Le Sigh

I think of my family. Of course I do.

Especially days like today, on Mother's Day . . . when I wish I could pick up the phone, and call my mom just to hear the sound of her voice again.

I try to remember the good moments (and we had *many*) - those happy, carefree days when my siblings and I rode our bikes for hours, roller-bladed, sang together, went on road trips, and cracked each other up.

But there are other moments. Those moments laced with harsh and almost oppressive expectations, too heavy to bear. My health broke. The last year in my father's house, the dawning realization in my heart, the stress and helplessness I felt - it was all like a bad dream. I needed to get away. So get away I did.
 
On days like today, I pull up a few of my favorite links. I read again the writings of strangers, who seem like friends to me, mostly because they've walked this road before me. These "friends" took all my messy emotions, combed the dark corners of my heart, and wove into words what I would have never brought myself to say.

They know me.

They've walked my journey.

And they've learned to move on.

So now you know. Where I've come from, and where I hope to be. :)

PS: Be sure to read all 7 posts in rebuilding after deconstruction - you'll be glad you did.
 
~ Mrs. Arcfide

Summer, it's too soon to go . . .

Between Aaron's graduation, my summer classes, the Karen Kingsbury Book Party and Picnic, fun times with our neighbors (one of whom is from my parent's small hometown in Malaysia - what were the odds?!), hanging out, celebrating our 2nd anniversary, playing at Six Flags, going to The Muny, puttering in Montreal, catching the much-dreaded flu, and attending a friend's wedding in Wisconsin . . . you could say that the past few months days literally took on wings and disappeared.

The 50 degree weather during our time in Montreal and Wisconsin caught us unprepared, and caused me to lose some faith in summer. Amazingly, Mikaela appears *not* to have inherited any of my Southeast Asian cold-bloodedness in her.

Like her dad, she thrives in cool weather, but melts in the heat:

In front of the Notre Dame Basilica, sporting a sundress
on a wet and windy day (Montreal).

Melting like butter on a humid Missouri day.

Scariest thought about Summer being almost gone?
The knowledge that the days Mikaela remains as a baby are numbered.

I mean, c'mon.

Babies don't climb stairs, turn around, and celebrate by balancing precariously whist clapping their hands!

Toddlers do.

~ Mrs. Arcfide

Keep thy words soft and sweet

Human nature is ever growing, ever retrogressing... never static. Determined though one may be never to change, separation inevitably takes its toll on even the closest of friends. Divergent experiences and philosophies gained along life's way make each old-time reunion never quite the same.

Still, knowing this... one can't suppress the little sigh of disappointment that escapes at the realization that your friend is not, and will never again be the same as before. Changes are hard to appreciate, even if they have been wrought for improvement's sake.

Outward changes are by far the most conspicuous. Others have lamented the changes they saw in me. Was it just my appearances, manner or beliefs?

Have I learned to be more prudent and discerning? I hope so. More imperious and sophomorical? I pray not.

Keep thy words soft and sweet: someday you might have to eat them.

7 Things I'd proclaimed over the rooftops, and have had to renege:

1. "I'll never get married."
   
2. "I don't wear pants because they're not modest."
3. "When I grow up, I'm going to be a drummer."
4. "Music with a beat is wrong."
5. "I'm not into eye make-up."
6. "I hate bean sprouts."
7. "I can't cook."

~ Mrs. Arcfide

Constant Changes?

If anyone asked me what has been going on recently in my life, my response would be, "Changes. Constant changes."

Last January, I was in the States, celebrating the New Year with Aaron's family. February and March found me back in Singapore, working on team projects, competitions, and our FY closing. April was fun-filled, with company trips and event kick-offs. May saw me winding down my entire twenty-one years in Singapore. There was packing to do, closing of accounts, goodbyes to be said. June 2nd, I flew back to St. Louis to be with my beloved. With help from his family, we were able to plan our wedding in all of four weeks.

July was a month of catalytic change. I left girlhood forever when we got married. There were new discoveries to make, new roles to embrace. I learned more about myself in that one month than I did in all my teenage years put together.

Then came August. Aaron graduated from UMSL, and we moved. Another whole new state, new town, new place. New responsibilities to assume, new ideas to embrace.

It's hard to believe that September crept up on us, and even now is almost gone. It seems as if school just started yesterday, that life has just settled into some sort of normality for us.

I feel very much alive... and dead. Aaron's intense love for me warms my heart, and shelters me with an aura of protecting kindness that I have been missing for the past two years. Yet, even that does not replace the ache that loss of fellowship with other loved ones brought.

I sometimes wonder if I am able to stay true to all the principles I call my own. Take away all the extenuating circumstances and the short term goals that drove me, and do I... fail? Will I?

The enormality of the changes in the past eight months has literally shaken my world. Though many of those changes were for the better, I can't say I care to live the rest of them over again. While all that has transpired does translate into growth, the more I learn, the less qualified l feel I am, of being equal to any new task ahead.

And yet, despite me being who I am, and the people around me being who they are... He has assured us,

"...be content... I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.
Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever" ~ Hebrews 13:5-6,8

Our God is too wonderful for words.

~ Mrs. Arcfide